As Time Flies - Penji and Dawang

 Hello, Assalamualaikum and Hi~

This is no melancholic-dark-stressful-about-life-post I'm going to write. So, one of my hobby on my leisure time is watching Youtube and my watch-list or video type I like to watch is something like documentary-like or experiment or some sharing-like video. One of them that I recently watch is Dianxi Xiaoge's channel.

 

I've been watching her channel since 2017 or 2018. So it's around 4 years and there're so many things I learned about those China provision which is Yunnan. I really like the vibe Dianxi's channel are presenting. They are so calm, rejuvenating, and full of life with those village environment. I guess that's what money can't buy. Haha actually money can buy it but what I want to say is what city life not going to have. Serenity and calmness of living for life. 

Dianxi  Xiago or Penji (what people in the video called her) are so average but beautiful Chinese girl who master all of the life skills, whether cooking, farming, building, anything for what is required to live a fun life (for me). And what is special about her if I have to compare to other channel since there are also other channel with same vibe, is the connection with people. As I can remember, when I first watched her video, of course in Youtube, you'll get other recommendation which is similar to the video. And from what I observed, she show her interactions with her pet, siblings, parents other extend family, neighbors, and the villagers. That is a very much hardwork to show but that how she portrayed it. Just like how this website (CodaStory) decsribe

The scene opens in a village courtyard in China’s southwestern Yunnan province, a family sitting around a flickering fire. The camera pans as they chat in the glow. “Will Chun be back for the spring festival?” someone asks. A young woman named Dianxi calls her brother. The action cuts to a man in his early twenties, his face lit by a computer screen. “I don’t know yet,” he says. We then see him walking through the streets of a bustling city, alone. 

That melancholy image contrasts sharply with the morning peace of the countryside, where lowing cows are led through leafy lanes, and the family prepare for the celebrations. Dianxi begins to cook. Bull-shaped buns for the year of the ox, steamed in a bamboo basket. Beef ribs, braised with spices in a clay pot. A fat fried carp, smothered in spicy sauce. Her dog, an Alaskan Malamute named Dawang, chews on festive lanterns.

Dianxi Xiaoge’s real name is Dong Meihua. She has seven million subscribers on YouTube and another five million on the Chinese microblogging site Weibo. Her videos offer beautifully shot vignettes of rural life that are a world away from the highly industrialized, urban China many of us are now used to seeing. Filmed on a bucolic family farm, fans can watch her perform a variety of wholesome and traditional tasks: preserving meat, picking fruit, harvesting vegetables and making noodles.

If I recall correctly, she used to tell on one of her video that she start to produce content when she had to move back to her village from the city(I don't remember for what reasons) whether she quit her job or anything and she invested on some shooting equipment. With her brother in law (if I'm not mistaken), she start to shoot video and produce content to introduce on Yunnan cultural focusing on Yunnan cuisine and how they are made from scratch. I totally admiring her great works.

And it is really nice to enjoy the ambience of nature she presented in the video as it intrigued me to living just like. And there is Dawang, her Alaskan Malamute breed dog. I still remember when I first saw him. His size looks like normal husky. But when seeing it now, I can tell how much the difference of size Dawang is. So is his brother when he was a boy but seeing it now as he grow to teenage boy, like so many things have been changing.

And recently she filmed on her house that have been renovated or in the title is "Refurbished Old House". And here I'm thinking since I found her channel, it was already a channel with already at least a million of followers. She may have a lot of monetization from Youtube yet after a few years, just she have this huge development on her asset, I mean the house.

Here I learnt how the perseverance and strategies are really important to achieve something. I don't know what she had to bear behind the scenes or who are actually behind the scenes to make all the work happened. But that is something we can imagine. Like the Malay proverb, "Kejayaan takkan datang bergolek". Work hard and have strategies, it will pay you off someday.

That is the lesson I shall keep in my spirit. 

Anyway, Dawang is so cute I always have to repeat or rewind the clip video when he showed up. Literally reminding me to my Bocchan. Okay that's all. Bye ~

Fear of Rejection?

 Assalamualaikum and hi.

As for topic, fear of rejection. As I already know that I self-claim that I'm introvert with some symptoms of autism, yet to be diagnosed, I always feeling anxious being in social situations. First when it comes into mind, I think over it, unconsciously then tend to imagine it and then the scenes are created. Of course in my imagination, I tend to pictured it very well that I had sort all the ways to turn it into positive results. Also with some backup emotion or response if the results turn otherwise. But, realistically speaking or the pessimistic me will then slap me all hard back to the reality that matter most. Then I will act all the way that I feel will going to turn well but then if it appear that the the reactions will not going to happen, I will freaked with anxious feeling that make me react very funny. The overwhelming thinking make me speak  gibberish. Sometimes because the thoughts is there and it come out uncontrollably and when it come into my sense I will abrupt between the words and add other syllables so that it will not appear obvious to other people if I got caught uttering it so they don't understand what I'm saying thus figuring what I'm thinking. It is very hard because it's like stopping your brain from thinking out loud, like literally out into speech. And it is bad enough to always have the thought of being open about myself so people around me can understand me better regarding all of indifference and abnormality.

 I want to be accepted but thinking about all the probability and process towards it make me scared. 

 To added, many times I've facing meltdown. Fortunately, being a special education teacher had let me know various of terms and information about children's special condition such as autistic, ADHD, Down syndrome and other condition.

When I am full with certain emotions and sometimes it all add up which I can't validate each of them, I lose control. I sobbed all the way like a child, tears falling down non stop, trouble of controlling my breathing, and so many things I can't even described.

It looks like normal situation outside but inside I'm feeling like dying. Like this world would not matter anymore. Sometimes to the thought of taking my own life. Cause it'll trigger so many memories and thinking, all the negative thoughts appeared. Making me hate my own existence and wanting to erase all, including my family and parents. 

 Thus, I hate to socialize with others. I hate it when it is go haywire in my head. I kept thinking about everything. Presumption of others, the reaction, what should i respond? Do I look natural? How is my face mimic? All and all about social appearances. For their respond and impression. \

That's all.  

  

Come 2021. I've skipped a year !

 Hi whoever reading this though I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who keen to this blog post. So, I've skipped a year without any posting here.

So many things had happen in 2020. All bittersweet moment that I think there's too many bitter pills to swallow than sweet pills. I've encountered illness and death of family member, another heartbroken and joys from friendship and relationship. It all happen in 2020. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for all those things. It teach me some lesson, in hard and alluring ways. 

November 2019, I've got job, meeting new people, involved in new circle. Surviving the new era in life. Lived together with my head of department. 2020, moved. Being the only teacher, handle all new things by myself, no nearest mentor to refer. February 2020, my dearest uncle passed away without any prior signs. Shocked, got anxiety attack upon absorbing the situation. Felt all alone. March 2020, pandemic stroke onto all nations. I'm with the youngers. Act as the head of family since our family part as two. New normal and everything changed. Dad fell ill. Admitted even to ICU, diagnosed with renal failure. Got back to work. Some things happened. I've fell into mess. A lot of bittersweet memories created.

Suddenly I'm 24. The next day I'm already 25. Suddenly it's like my car plate number. 2875. It accelerate so fast. But then, to this paranoia personality I got  a feeling that it'll going to down like the numbers. 

Okay, till next time. Need to do the laundry,

All the Frustration

It's frustating
Nevertheless what can I do
Weep over it?
Let it stomp over me?
Be on the ground forever?
At least I can't fall below than this
But I'll get stomp over

Time passed
Be with it forever
and let good times passed also
I'll be at loss
Nothing will change
Or it'll just get worst

No one to come pick me also
Because it's me who keep putting it down

Fury
It's something within myself

At the end I got to do something

How to get motivated?

So, I’ve just completed my degree, convocation, temporary job and now left with nothing to do. Yeah, once it was my dream like this. Not doing anything. Just some house chores and self-activity. But eventually by doing this right now, I’ve realize that it’d make me lazier than ever. I’m too lazy to go out, too lazy to even doing something on my Bucket List and so on. And somehow, by not doing anything, just hooked with my phone, I think it have affected my mental health. By saying that, I’ve meant to say that Social Media has affected my mental health. I’m too focused on things that shouldn’t be taken care by me. Though it’s good that knowing what current issues are and what are today’s concerns, I realized that it doesn’t change my life whatsoever. Worrying or keep thinking about it don’t make me better either. My works won’t be done, and I’ve kept procrastinating things. But, that’s my life are right now.  

This comfort zone of this lifestyle, mainly by not doing anything has make me unmotivated. Even I also keep delaying some obligatory things for my posting such as medical check-up, bank business and all. It’s important yet, I can’t do it. It’s not that I can’t, it just that I won’t.

By saying this, I know I’m the most individual that don’t have any right to complain, critic or justify some current issues and debate over that.

By being an introvert, it should be that being at home and doing some activity just by yourself is the most comfortable to do. But, I’m also a masochist. To grow is to go out from your comfort zone. I realize that since I’m this introverted, I had become very naïve in life. Less-mingle with people in my younger self make me sometimes struggle with understanding people. Sometimes too much empathy given to someone that I shouldn’t to, and sometimes can’t quite grasp a situation. And this also had made me this gullible. To some point it is too transparent to my own lecturer that he even said to me “You’re like a robot. Like been programmed, too obedient” and “be careful if you ever got  a boyfriend.” At first, yeah I’m having trouble to understand it fully until again, my own father said it to me, with different subtext yet in that context. Since then also, I’ve intense feeling of dislike toward that word (naïve). It feels like when someone said I’m too naïve or innocent, it is actually a polite way to say I’m stupid and gullible. Sadly to say I know it’s true. My friends, they always pranking me, throw a joke and other’s mischief stuff because I’m fun (read: gullible) though I know they don’t have any ill intention. Realizing this, sometimes it irritates me because I’m that stupid to understand or grasp real meaning of anything.

So, by this comprehension, I've felt that I need to grow more. Should feel all the pain of rejection and be exposed with all kind of situation. But then I'm become paranoid, with this kind of personality, can I handle it? Won't I be broken? Though deep inside I always believe that I'm very strong. 

Okay done with this introverted-gullible-things. As I said earlier, I'm don't have any enthusiasm to do anything that require me to go outside. It's troublesome since I need to leave my room, get ready and so on. Look, even to complete the sentence I had become this lazy. 

Everyday before sleep though, I have this goal in my mind, what I want to complete by tomorrow. But when morning rise, I kind of not-feeling-to-do-it and delayed to the next morning. For a week or more I've done this and now, a new month arrive. I'm sorry dear self, dear time for all of this procrastination.  

Recently, I saw this image on Twitter about what they say is victim mentality. Yup, I do acknowledge it. You know whats's your weakness, nevertheless no effort to overcome it, that's what real LOSER are. Because to me, the effort is the most important. To be sad or weeping over a misfortune or failure is after you keep striving over it. Then, it's okay to say that. But then, the real winner is the one who are not keeping with the excuses but always trying and not fall to that loop again. 

It seems that I need to force myself because anything will not happen if I don't make my move. Yup, rezeki takkan datang bergolek. I don't want to chase away my rezeki. 

Yosh, get ready !

Another transition

Hi. It's already 2019. Today is the third Eid ul Fitri. I'm already a graduate trainee-teacher. Haha at least I'd already finished my study, yet to come is convocation day. Walking to my blog on the passed years have make me realized how much I have change. Age is another thing, but to my senses it's not that much. What do people called, yes a core. The core inside me is still the same. But how I looked at thing now is different. Though not totally different but it change my perspective towards life, toward how I should drive my life to.

I had go through many things, though at this age, it is a common things, yet I don't know whether this is good or bad. I've experienced how to sosialize with communinity in a proper and appointed ways which in my study, I've went to two phase of practicum which were three months each and one phase of internship for a month. All of these experience make me realize how bad I am at being in social event. And until now, I'm still in wonder at how in the world had I acquainted in one of the most 'extrovert' type of career. Not to exaggerate but for intelligence, I think I had that at least to be a teacher, but social skills, pedagogy, I'm a nerd who stuck at tips and what's in the book. In real life, I'm noob or so what they called, also naive and sensitive.

This kind of personality always make me stuck and one of my stress cause. Five years period of study in all girl high institute, I learned that workloads as assignments and tasks don't really troubled me but things like socializing or tasks that need me to collab with other people stressed me out. I just want to take it out on myself. Doing it all by myself. A part of me is that I don't want to include people in it, other part is I just don't trust people to do it. And reflecting back, at home I am really like that. I want my space and other space to be really clean and out of mess. And I want other people to keep it like that too, yet I believe that my way of keeping it clean is the most righteous way. For example, doing dishes and cleaning messes at the kitchen, I want they to do it my way, like scrubbing all the dishes from the leftovers then do the 'soaping' and soaking. And also clearing the greases from the stove and tables like do the wholly part of them including sweeping and wiping the floor, taking out the rubbish, all of them. And it is the same as clearing other spaces such as bedroom, living room. At home too, I do want them to clean it, yet I want it to be done in my way.

And all of this years, I'm always in the loop of distress. To the point of realizing my life worth nothing. Thus, time played it's role. Neutralizing everything. Until I can move on again and forgetting that point of dispute within myself before jumping into it again.

Alright, now back to real life, what am I doing right now is just waiting for interview session with the Suruhanjaya to be decided where and when I had to be 'posting' as a novice teacher. As to what had I been through to what I am today, let seal it closed. Bye.

Transition

A year has passed since I've go through some major changes in my life. A changes that affects my view towards this world or toward how I should drive my life.

But then, some of the changes scared me, myself. How in the world I can change to this extent. It is something that I wouldn't expect years ago.

I've come to accepting things that I despise or avoid all in my life.

Things that come with my personality also get too much deep until I don't found myself more. I lose myself. It got me tangle in so much conflict of myself. Yes, it had started the major changes that I felt now.

And after some time, I had come to my senses that how naive I was all this years. But then, again it is my personality I was born with. May come all the thunder and rain, I would get back to my cycle of how I handle things. The core inside me won't change. I would get back to where I started.

-September 2018-

Pre-practicum

So, here come the new semester and BOOMM!! Practicum is around the corner. So, since the last semester, I’m having these endless nightmares about the practicum and sound kind of clue or sign of something unfortunate. And I can feel the tense are piling and it crashed my heart.

So today, I got chance to visit the school and thank God, the journey wasn’t very bad. Just 4 traffic lights with not-so-busy road. Okay, not bad.  And it only took 15-20 minutes to reach there. Thankfully, the school are in suburban area with only less number of pupils compared to the schools that I used to visit in my PBS / SBE. Special Education’s pupils also are the least compared to my previous school and this facts at least had ease my feeling… a bit.

 But the fact that my lect in charge for this practicum had risen my stress into some level that the nightmares disturb my eating and sleeping habit. Also, the facts that I’ve been surrounded by outstanding teacher-trainees and excellent lecturer makes it look very hard to go through this. It’s like I’m being burdened with a high expectations and it had lowered my self esteem.

Reflection ...?

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

So I've just arrive here, after a long time. Now, it's exam period and this semester I got 5 papers to be handled. Not too exhausted, maybe because I'm already used to it, so I'm just bored. This semester, I think my pointer will drop down (nauuzubillahh) bcos I think I did too many sins and bad deed. Also, I'm too dilly-dally and doing things half-heartedly. My souls turn sour and I lose too many hope. I live a bad life (as I reflected back), this semester.

And as I growing up here, I just come to a refreshed conclusion about myself. I am a robot-like. Some time ago, I thought I am just a girl who a bit blur about some issues though I am aware about it. But, after some time I was commented by someone who is far superior than me, that I do things as been programmed. Or in other word, naive or 'lurus bendul', straight like a ruler. He commented in front of the people and as I thought, people make fun of me. But, I dont blame him or other people because that is the truth, it is just he chose to become straightforward about it (though by saying it in front of others). At first, I was making a reason that I do things as been ordered because I though that it is something me and other people ought to do aside from making things easier, but then I realized, there are another reason that I do things as been ordered. It is because I am naive. I don't think we have a choice because I lack of experience and courage. There's so many times things happen like this.

Aside of that, I think by denying it or avoiding things that are assigned or planned for me is more troubling and make things hard. I should save my inner and outer energy to something better than this. That is what I think. Also, in another issue, I find that I have different idea or reasoning than other people. It is not that I am creative or what (as I said earlier, I am a robot-like. I do and think things that I have an experience or things that I learned from many source, most of them from other's behaviors. And yeah, most of my learning are just like B.F Skinner's theory, defined it). My thinking is difference because in my childhood I had a difference experience than others, and I assimilate it with the present situations. For an example, my parents love to buy books, magazines, and articles (in some brochure or something), then I like to rummage things such as cupboard, bookshelf, cabinets, or things that have room in it. And I love it when I found things that I got to read. As for a magazine for adults, they have many sections such as for article about current issue, tips, illustrated comic, short stories, and literature. First, when I was five years old (first time I was able to read), I will read the illustrated comic first (on all of the books and magazines). Then when I was 9 or 10, I start to read the short story or narrated stories (of all the things). And as I growing up and can understand things better, I finished all the sections of all the magazines, that's how I build my thinking. And I was amazed by the things around me through reading, and what made me wondered more is about the materials. Like, the books and magazines that were bought by my parents, the contents were far ahead time (I know this because the ideas or issues that were stated and discussed at that time cannot be accepted by majorities, yet now people start to talk about it as it is a new things). The materials (books etc) also was limited because long ago, people did not lookup or care about those things.

I'm also love to explore and copying things that I read or watch to see what result can it produces. Therewith, I build my own perceptions and conclusion. Still, it just end like that. Nothing can be produced as an actions. At the end, it just happen in my mind. Maybe that's why I always make things complicated and tend to over-think.

Also, I am always hated an introvert. Because, why can't you just speak up your mind (but I know the answer - it takes too much inner energy) and I hate to explain things. I love to give a simple words as a clue or cue. But, that 's also the reason I hate introvert. Because sometimes it contradict to the other tendency, like exploring things, ideas, places and people. Hahah.. about people, I love to observe them. Like how some situations been handled by them or how things make them reacted. Through this, I learned how to socialize with people. If I'm staying at other people's house, I feel comfortable if they treat me not as a guest, I just want to understand their life. Like, it is okay if you don't want to bring me to interesting places (like a visitor). I'm happy enough if you just live your daily life, as usual. Cause I can know you just like this.  It is just like this, okay.

Okay, I lost my track again. What was I talking about at first? Hmm... I know it, it just like me. Absorbed into somethings else and forgetting derived purposed. Whatever. to be continue  (though I don't know when)

Rant

So, it's already 0104 and I can't put myself to sleep again. It had become my habit to sleep at this late since this semester. The earliest hour that I go to bed usually at 0000. But my daily life aren't productive as ever though. I am thinking for a change. Change in lifestyle, to renew daily and life goals and try to fulfill it as this is my prime time in my life where I've been blessed with energy, chances, family, friends, and other things that can't be certain in lifetime ahead. This countless blessing that I've been bestowed by Him need to be grateful. Hm.. I'm leading my now-life aware of this yet no action has been taken to show Him my gratefulness.

I've tried my best every night before going to sleep to plan my tomorrow life productively or beneficial to me and others yet my imagination has courted me to another situation that is ridiculously could be happen in life. Such dramatically and unrealistically scenes and circumstances that cause me to forget my to do list and other responsibilities and duties I had to make for the next day. Actually, every day's scenes in my life bear a big nor little scope of imagination that can turn me a little excited inside whether it could result for unpleasant or rejoice feels. That sometimes it had draws me to talk discreetly (read: comments) about it, all by myself. Me talking alone (hushedly) is one of my characters. It also had resulted me to overthink about sometime and made a fuss for it ....by myself.

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Actually, my smartphone has gone out of service and I had to use my old phone (act it was my sisters') that cant be used to access Internet. Only call and message. But, thanks to that I can focused more on my study, though. Hahahaha... at least my temptation to run away from this study's duty had lessen. But the disadvantages is I can't contact my Umie often and can't shared my daily routine report to my family group XD. hahahaa... anyway, I tried to take it in a positive way and try to make some benefit from it.

And also, my lapptop has been acting very ill lately. The problem has worsen. Before this it will only go into sleep mode and can be revived after a while, but now, it would shut down not long after it went to the sleep mode. Allah knew best if this isnt in my assignments weeks, I must go not far from crazy to fix this things up. I've been holding up this problem for so long for many excuses I'd made for I can't be parted from this electronic things for I thought I may have some needs to be done from it.

But I think it is my personality that had caused all of this things. Same goes to my dental record and my health progress. I cant seem to act immediately if it hasnt caused me some drastic awfully change that interrupt my routine.

Oh.. how I hope I can change this rotten personality..

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Now, my nearest determination instead of study for next papers is writing some good stories or sketching ideas for a few scenes to be put into the story, at least.

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Maybe it's time for me to sleep, hmmm.. seriously.

Anyway, I've done my TMKS3053 paper today, and I thought 'Oh..poor'
...
Night .