How to get motivated?

So, I’ve just completed my degree, convocation, temporary job and now left with nothing to do. Yeah, once it was my dream like this. Not doing anything. Just some house chores and self-activity. But eventually by doing this right now, I’ve realize that it’d make me lazier than ever. I’m too lazy to go out, too lazy to even doing something on my Bucket List and so on. And somehow, by not doing anything, just hooked with my phone, I think it have affected my mental health. By saying that, I’ve meant to say that Social Media has affected my mental health. I’m too focused on things that shouldn’t be taken care by me. Though it’s good that knowing what current issues are and what are today’s concerns, I realized that it doesn’t change my life whatsoever. Worrying or keep thinking about it don’t make me better either. My works won’t be done, and I’ve kept procrastinating things. But, that’s my life are right now.  

This comfort zone of this lifestyle, mainly by not doing anything has make me unmotivated. Even I also keep delaying some obligatory things for my posting such as medical check-up, bank business and all. It’s important yet, I can’t do it. It’s not that I can’t, it just that I won’t.

By saying this, I know I’m the most individual that don’t have any right to complain, critic or justify some current issues and debate over that.

By being an introvert, it should be that being at home and doing some activity just by yourself is the most comfortable to do. But, I’m also a masochist. To grow is to go out from your comfort zone. I realize that since I’m this introverted, I had become very naïve in life. Less-mingle with people in my younger self make me sometimes struggle with understanding people. Sometimes too much empathy given to someone that I shouldn’t to, and sometimes can’t quite grasp a situation. And this also had made me this gullible. To some point it is too transparent to my own lecturer that he even said to me “You’re like a robot. Like been programmed, too obedient” and “be careful if you ever got  a boyfriend.” At first, yeah I’m having trouble to understand it fully until again, my own father said it to me, with different subtext yet in that context. Since then also, I’ve intense feeling of dislike toward that word (naïve). It feels like when someone said I’m too naïve or innocent, it is actually a polite way to say I’m stupid and gullible. Sadly to say I know it’s true. My friends, they always pranking me, throw a joke and other’s mischief stuff because I’m fun (read: gullible) though I know they don’t have any ill intention. Realizing this, sometimes it irritates me because I’m that stupid to understand or grasp real meaning of anything.

So, by this comprehension, I've felt that I need to grow more. Should feel all the pain of rejection and be exposed with all kind of situation. But then I'm become paranoid, with this kind of personality, can I handle it? Won't I be broken? Though deep inside I always believe that I'm very strong. 

Okay done with this introverted-gullible-things. As I said earlier, I'm don't have any enthusiasm to do anything that require me to go outside. It's troublesome since I need to leave my room, get ready and so on. Look, even to complete the sentence I had become this lazy. 

Everyday before sleep though, I have this goal in my mind, what I want to complete by tomorrow. But when morning rise, I kind of not-feeling-to-do-it and delayed to the next morning. For a week or more I've done this and now, a new month arrive. I'm sorry dear self, dear time for all of this procrastination.  

Recently, I saw this image on Twitter about what they say is victim mentality. Yup, I do acknowledge it. You know whats's your weakness, nevertheless no effort to overcome it, that's what real LOSER are. Because to me, the effort is the most important. To be sad or weeping over a misfortune or failure is after you keep striving over it. Then, it's okay to say that. But then, the real winner is the one who are not keeping with the excuses but always trying and not fall to that loop again. 

It seems that I need to force myself because anything will not happen if I don't make my move. Yup, rezeki takkan datang bergolek. I don't want to chase away my rezeki. 

Yosh, get ready !

Another transition

Hi. It's already 2019. Today is the third Eid ul Fitri. I'm already a graduate trainee-teacher. Haha at least I'd already finished my study, yet to come is convocation day. Walking to my blog on the passed years have make me realized how much I have change. Age is another thing, but to my senses it's not that much. What do people called, yes a core. The core inside me is still the same. But how I looked at thing now is different. Though not totally different but it change my perspective towards life, toward how I should drive my life to.

I had go through many things, though at this age, it is a common things, yet I don't know whether this is good or bad. I've experienced how to sosialize with communinity in a proper and appointed ways which in my study, I've went to two phase of practicum which were three months each and one phase of internship for a month. All of these experience make me realize how bad I am at being in social event. And until now, I'm still in wonder at how in the world had I acquainted in one of the most 'extrovert' type of career. Not to exaggerate but for intelligence, I think I had that at least to be a teacher, but social skills, pedagogy, I'm a nerd who stuck at tips and what's in the book. In real life, I'm noob or so what they called, also naive and sensitive.

This kind of personality always make me stuck and one of my stress cause. Five years period of study in all girl high institute, I learned that workloads as assignments and tasks don't really troubled me but things like socializing or tasks that need me to collab with other people stressed me out. I just want to take it out on myself. Doing it all by myself. A part of me is that I don't want to include people in it, other part is I just don't trust people to do it. And reflecting back, at home I am really like that. I want my space and other space to be really clean and out of mess. And I want other people to keep it like that too, yet I believe that my way of keeping it clean is the most righteous way. For example, doing dishes and cleaning messes at the kitchen, I want they to do it my way, like scrubbing all the dishes from the leftovers then do the 'soaping' and soaking. And also clearing the greases from the stove and tables like do the wholly part of them including sweeping and wiping the floor, taking out the rubbish, all of them. And it is the same as clearing other spaces such as bedroom, living room. At home too, I do want them to clean it, yet I want it to be done in my way.

And all of this years, I'm always in the loop of distress. To the point of realizing my life worth nothing. Thus, time played it's role. Neutralizing everything. Until I can move on again and forgetting that point of dispute within myself before jumping into it again.

Alright, now back to real life, what am I doing right now is just waiting for interview session with the Suruhanjaya to be decided where and when I had to be 'posting' as a novice teacher. As to what had I been through to what I am today, let seal it closed. Bye.

Transition

A year has passed since I've go through some major changes in my life. A changes that affects my view towards this world or toward how I should drive my life.

But then, some of the changes scared me, myself. How in the world I can change to this extent. It is something that I wouldn't expect years ago.

I've come to accepting things that I despise or avoid all in my life.

Things that come with my personality also get too much deep until I don't found myself more. I lose myself. It got me tangle in so much conflict of myself. Yes, it had started the major changes that I felt now.

And after some time, I had come to my senses that how naive I was all this years. But then, again it is my personality I was born with. May come all the thunder and rain, I would get back to my cycle of how I handle things. The core inside me won't change. I would get back to where I started.

-September 2018-

Pre-practicum

So, here come the new semester and BOOMM!! Practicum is around the corner. So, since the last semester, I’m having these endless nightmares about the practicum and sound kind of clue or sign of something unfortunate. And I can feel the tense are piling and it crashed my heart.

So today, I got chance to visit the school and thank God, the journey wasn’t very bad. Just 4 traffic lights with not-so-busy road. Okay, not bad.  And it only took 15-20 minutes to reach there. Thankfully, the school are in suburban area with only less number of pupils compared to the schools that I used to visit in my PBS / SBE. Special Education’s pupils also are the least compared to my previous school and this facts at least had ease my feeling… a bit.

 But the fact that my lect in charge for this practicum had risen my stress into some level that the nightmares disturb my eating and sleeping habit. Also, the facts that I’ve been surrounded by outstanding teacher-trainees and excellent lecturer makes it look very hard to go through this. It’s like I’m being burdened with a high expectations and it had lowered my self esteem.

Reflection ...?

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

So I've just arrive here, after a long time. Now, it's exam period and this semester I got 5 papers to be handled. Not too exhausted, maybe because I'm already used to it, so I'm just bored. This semester, I think my pointer will drop down (nauuzubillahh) bcos I think I did too many sins and bad deed. Also, I'm too dilly-dally and doing things half-heartedly. My souls turn sour and I lose too many hope. I live a bad life (as I reflected back), this semester.

And as I growing up here, I just come to a refreshed conclusion about myself. I am a robot-like. Some time ago, I thought I am just a girl who a bit blur about some issues though I am aware about it. But, after some time I was commented by someone who is far superior than me, that I do things as been programmed. Or in other word, naive or 'lurus bendul', straight like a ruler. He commented in front of the people and as I thought, people make fun of me. But, I dont blame him or other people because that is the truth, it is just he chose to become straightforward about it (though by saying it in front of others). At first, I was making a reason that I do things as been ordered because I though that it is something me and other people ought to do aside from making things easier, but then I realized, there are another reason that I do things as been ordered. It is because I am naive. I don't think we have a choice because I lack of experience and courage. There's so many times things happen like this.

Aside of that, I think by denying it or avoiding things that are assigned or planned for me is more troubling and make things hard. I should save my inner and outer energy to something better than this. That is what I think. Also, in another issue, I find that I have different idea or reasoning than other people. It is not that I am creative or what (as I said earlier, I am a robot-like. I do and think things that I have an experience or things that I learned from many source, most of them from other's behaviors. And yeah, most of my learning are just like B.F Skinner's theory, defined it). My thinking is difference because in my childhood I had a difference experience than others, and I assimilate it with the present situations. For an example, my parents love to buy books, magazines, and articles (in some brochure or something), then I like to rummage things such as cupboard, bookshelf, cabinets, or things that have room in it. And I love it when I found things that I got to read. As for a magazine for adults, they have many sections such as for article about current issue, tips, illustrated comic, short stories, and literature. First, when I was five years old (first time I was able to read), I will read the illustrated comic first (on all of the books and magazines). Then when I was 9 or 10, I start to read the short story or narrated stories (of all the things). And as I growing up and can understand things better, I finished all the sections of all the magazines, that's how I build my thinking. And I was amazed by the things around me through reading, and what made me wondered more is about the materials. Like, the books and magazines that were bought by my parents, the contents were far ahead time (I know this because the ideas or issues that were stated and discussed at that time cannot be accepted by majorities, yet now people start to talk about it as it is a new things). The materials (books etc) also was limited because long ago, people did not lookup or care about those things.

I'm also love to explore and copying things that I read or watch to see what result can it produces. Therewith, I build my own perceptions and conclusion. Still, it just end like that. Nothing can be produced as an actions. At the end, it just happen in my mind. Maybe that's why I always make things complicated and tend to over-think.

Also, I am always hated an introvert. Because, why can't you just speak up your mind (but I know the answer - it takes too much inner energy) and I hate to explain things. I love to give a simple words as a clue or cue. But, that 's also the reason I hate introvert. Because sometimes it contradict to the other tendency, like exploring things, ideas, places and people. Hahah.. about people, I love to observe them. Like how some situations been handled by them or how things make them reacted. Through this, I learned how to socialize with people. If I'm staying at other people's house, I feel comfortable if they treat me not as a guest, I just want to understand their life. Like, it is okay if you don't want to bring me to interesting places (like a visitor). I'm happy enough if you just live your daily life, as usual. Cause I can know you just like this.  It is just like this, okay.

Okay, I lost my track again. What was I talking about at first? Hmm... I know it, it just like me. Absorbed into somethings else and forgetting derived purposed. Whatever. to be continue  (though I don't know when)

Rant

So, it's already 0104 and I can't put myself to sleep again. It had become my habit to sleep at this late since this semester. The earliest hour that I go to bed usually at 0000. But my daily life aren't productive as ever though. I am thinking for a change. Change in lifestyle, to renew daily and life goals and try to fulfill it as this is my prime time in my life where I've been blessed with energy, chances, family, friends, and other things that can't be certain in lifetime ahead. This countless blessing that I've been bestowed by Him need to be grateful. Hm.. I'm leading my now-life aware of this yet no action has been taken to show Him my gratefulness.

I've tried my best every night before going to sleep to plan my tomorrow life productively or beneficial to me and others yet my imagination has courted me to another situation that is ridiculously could be happen in life. Such dramatically and unrealistically scenes and circumstances that cause me to forget my to do list and other responsibilities and duties I had to make for the next day. Actually, every day's scenes in my life bear a big nor little scope of imagination that can turn me a little excited inside whether it could result for unpleasant or rejoice feels. That sometimes it had draws me to talk discreetly (read: comments) about it, all by myself. Me talking alone (hushedly) is one of my characters. It also had resulted me to overthink about sometime and made a fuss for it ....by myself.

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Actually, my smartphone has gone out of service and I had to use my old phone (act it was my sisters') that cant be used to access Internet. Only call and message. But, thanks to that I can focused more on my study, though. Hahahaha... at least my temptation to run away from this study's duty had lessen. But the disadvantages is I can't contact my Umie often and can't shared my daily routine report to my family group XD. hahahaa... anyway, I tried to take it in a positive way and try to make some benefit from it.

And also, my lapptop has been acting very ill lately. The problem has worsen. Before this it will only go into sleep mode and can be revived after a while, but now, it would shut down not long after it went to the sleep mode. Allah knew best if this isnt in my assignments weeks, I must go not far from crazy to fix this things up. I've been holding up this problem for so long for many excuses I'd made for I can't be parted from this electronic things for I thought I may have some needs to be done from it.

But I think it is my personality that had caused all of this things. Same goes to my dental record and my health progress. I cant seem to act immediately if it hasnt caused me some drastic awfully change that interrupt my routine.

Oh.. how I hope I can change this rotten personality..

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Now, my nearest determination instead of study for next papers is writing some good stories or sketching ideas for a few scenes to be put into the story, at least.

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Maybe it's time for me to sleep, hmmm.. seriously.

Anyway, I've done my TMKS3053 paper today, and I thought 'Oh..poor'
...
Night .

Teringin nak sambung menulis

Assalamualaikum. Hai, ingat kembali masa dulu-dulu..ya, masa dulu-dulu.. Dikala masih mentah dan penuh dengan imaginasi yang menggian. Hahaha... sekarang pun penuh dengan imaginasi lagi. Bertambah-tambah kot. Dulu masa form 3 form 4 suka, banyak sangat benda yang diteroka macam edit gambar, video, tuils cerita. Rasa macam banyak sangat benda yang dibuat. Tapi sekarang rasa yang membuak-buak tu ditutup dengan gaya hidup sebagai seorang pelajar IPTA (hmm.. IPG ni IPTA lah jugak kan).

Tapi bila baca artikel, novel, drama dan sebagainya, imaginasi tu kembali bertambah-tambah sampai rasa nak tulis cerita balik. Dulu aku pernah tulis cerita dan post dekat blog yang memang aku khaskan untuk cerita. Tapi sampai 7 bab saja sebab dah tak ada motivasi. (Dan tengah stress sebab study, dulu masa sekolah memang selalu stress yang depression tu, nangis2 sepanjang masa) sampai hilang semangat nak menulis. Lepas tu, terus delete cerita tu sampai blog sekali delete. Kakak aku sangatlah marah bila tengok aku delete cerita dan blog tu sekali. Dia banyak bagi rangsangan kata cerita tu sebenarnya ada je peminat yang tersendiri dan dia salah seorang peminat cerita tu. Aku tak ingat apa tajuk yang aku letak tapi bukan cerita anak dato ke apa dan kakak aku tu salah seorang peminat tegar untuk cerita aku tu. Memang dia selalu je cakap, sambunglah cerita dan kami akan buat cerita dan saling bertukar-tukar baca. Dia pun ada tulis jugak cuma progressnya agak lambat berbanding kalau aku yang tulis. Tapi aku pun macam malas jugak sebab nak tumpu pada study (walaupun sebenarnya aku dah jumpa minat lain masa tu iaitu JPOP fandom).

Tapi bila aku nak retrieve balik blog tu, dah terlambat sebab blogspot dan remove sepenuhnya blog tu. (Kan biasanya kalau delete sesebuah blog, untuk sesuatu tempoh, blogspot akan simpan lagi, tapi kalau dah lama terus delete). Jadi lepas tu aku agak menyesal la sebab banyak idea yang aku dah karang dan untuk buat balik perlu idea asal yang banyak scene yang aku buat agak bersangkut paut dengan scene seterusnya.
Untuk buat cerita sekarang, aku sangat ambil berat pasal reason atau sebab bagi sesebuah scene dan maklumat pasal sesuatu benda. Contohnya kalau aku nak buat cerita yang ada watak peguam dalam tu, aku rasa perlu untuk kaji bagaimana skop kerja peguam, bagaimana hidup dia, komunikasi dan pergaulan untuk aku cipta satu scene mengenainya sebab aku sangatlah skeptikal dan curiga pada suatu babak yang aku tak tahu macam mana perlunya berlaku. Contoh  lain macam pasal latar tempat, walaupun tempat tu umum, aku perlu gambarkan secara terperinci dan tepat supaya babak yang dicipta untuk latar tempat, waktu dan masyarakat atau orang sekeliling tu kelihatan realistik dan aku sebagai pembaca contohnya tak sakit hati kalau benda tu salah. Hmm.. kesimpulannya aku sangat cerewet dalam penulisan ni. Walaupun cerita tu fiksyen iaitu sekadar rekaan, tapi faktor-faktor macam tu sangat memberi kesan pada aku sebagai orang yang menulis lebih-lebih lagi sebagai pembaca.

Sebab tu sampai sekarang aku masih stuck untuk menulis. Masa muda, my imagination really run very wild dan macam-macam idea boleh timbul. Sekarang, I've been really logical and realistic even more than my teen days.

Tapi sekarang rasa nak menulis tu membuak-buak bila baca banyak novel dan penulisan. One of my favorite or current reading right now is an English novel which is Anne of Green Gables. I've really grow my fond toward this series. Then I searched more about the novel and became to know the others series also. And it tempts me to find and read all of those collections. Really, Montgomery works had captivate my heart. Rasa nak download cerita, beli semua novel. Walaupun bahasa yang digunakan agak susah, a little peotric (ye ke, istilah ni).. tapi watak Anne sangat unik dan menarik, perjalanan hidup dia sangat memberi inspirasi. Cara penulisan Montgomery jugak sangat detail that the circle grows from Green Gable to Avonlea and through the entire island and more until I feel that Anne really exist.

Baiklah, mungkin suatu hari nanti atau cuti semester ni, aku akan start balik menulis.
Alright, this may end now. ahhaha

Just like falling in love

So a few days back, i came from my hometown to KL as a transit before going to Malacca through airplane. This is my first time to board on Air Asia and second time with an airplane. So the experience I had was very nice and I could tell like I had fall in love, being so thrilled. It is because last time when I board on Rayani Air, I couldn't have a seat next to the window so I can't feel the excitement very well *as if it was actually*. So this time, to be honest I was actually taking other people seat but when the person came, I had politely ask her for the seat and luckily she was nice enough to swap with me. hahahaha....

And the leg room was a bit spacious too than I had imagine as previously when I boarded RA, it was quite cramped that I felt my leg could slogged up. Also in one row, they have 4 seats compared with AA (3 seats). For an economy class, this was comfortable enough *because I travelled for only an hour from KB to KL* and the staff was very kind and considerate. I said this because from what I heard before, to help passanger on lifting baggage/luggage into the cabin wasn't one of their duty but they voluntarily help all of us (the passangers) to put them up. Hmm.. maybe they want to make things go smoothly and accordingly. Imagine if all the passangers just stacked all of the luggage/baggage/stuff into the cabin and make things worse than it should be. It will undoubtedly cause them great trouble later. still, I appreciate their assistance.

Oh, actually my flight was delayed one hour from the schedule as it should departed at 1430. So I arrived at the KLIA2 at 1640, a bit late for my friend to wait for us at the airport.

this exact moment

common and nice

What I'm trying to tell on this post actually the feeling of mine when the plane start to take off. It gives me this thrilled and excited feels. And it felt very nice like I could fall in love with it. Looking at the airplane's wing and the scenery when the airplane start to turn into other direction, I can't stop myself from smiling and giggling *silently*. I am weird, a queer one I realize. This feeling though not very strong but had a similarity when I board on the train. Oh also public bus. I guess I do love public transportation. I'm the type of person who love common things to be imagined in different ways. Like walking in same route everyday may be boring to some people but I find it interesting *as being blessed* when I think that many people don't experience it in a way I does.

But, the feelings when staying in the fuselage was very tempting that I'm dying to have another session with it.

So far, the situation when this feelings arose was when I know I had a chance to go to Japan *although at the last stage, I failed* and when I got to see my honey bunch sugar plump Bocchan that I don't know how to express my loveliest, excitement, and whatsoever feelings that even hugging and kissing him won't be enough. So yeah, this is another new experience that I'm dying to have it again.

Alright, that's all for this post. Need to revise for my exam next week. Bye.