Hi. Assalamualaikum.
So I've just arrive here, after a long time. Now, it's exam period and this semester I got 5 papers to be handled. Not too exhausted, maybe because I'm already used to it, so I'm just bored. This semester, I think my pointer will drop down (nauuzubillahh) bcos I think I did too many sins and bad deed. Also, I'm too dilly-dally and doing things half-heartedly. My souls turn sour and I lose too many hope. I live a bad life (as I reflected back), this semester.
And as I growing up here, I just come to a refreshed conclusion about myself. I am a robot-like. Some time ago, I thought I am just a girl who a bit blur about some issues though I am aware about it. But, after some time I was commented by someone who is far superior than me, that I do things as been programmed. Or in other word, naive or 'lurus bendul', straight like a ruler. He commented in front of the people and as I thought, people make fun of me. But, I dont blame him or other people because that is the truth, it is just he chose to become straightforward about it (though by saying it in front of others). At first, I was making a reason that I do things as been ordered because I though that it is something me and other people ought to do aside from making things easier, but then I realized, there are another reason that I do things as been ordered. It is because I am naive. I don't think we have a choice because I lack of experience and courage. There's so many times things happen like this.
Aside of that, I think by denying it or avoiding things that are assigned or planned for me is more troubling and make things hard. I should save my inner and outer energy to something better than this. That is what I think. Also, in another issue, I find that I have different idea or reasoning than other people. It is not that I am creative or what (as I said earlier, I am a robot-like. I do and think things that I have an experience or things that I learned from many source, most of them from other's behaviors. And yeah, most of my learning are just like B.F Skinner's theory, defined it). My thinking is difference because in my childhood I had a difference experience than others, and I assimilate it with the present situations. For an example, my parents love to buy books, magazines, and articles (in some brochure or something), then I like to rummage things such as cupboard, bookshelf, cabinets, or things that have room in it. And I love it when I found things that I got to read. As for a magazine for adults, they have many sections such as for article about current issue, tips, illustrated comic, short stories, and literature. First, when I was five years old (first time I was able to read), I will read the illustrated comic first (on all of the books and magazines). Then when I was 9 or 10, I start to read the short story or narrated stories (of all the things). And as I growing up and can understand things better, I finished all the sections of all the magazines, that's how I build my thinking. And I was amazed by the things around me through reading, and what made me wondered more is about the materials. Like, the books and magazines that were bought by my parents, the contents were far ahead time (I know this because the ideas or issues that were stated and discussed at that time cannot be accepted by majorities, yet now people start to talk about it as it is a new things). The materials (books etc) also was limited because long ago, people did not lookup or care about those things.
I'm also love to explore and copying things that I read or watch to see what result can it produces. Therewith, I build my own perceptions and conclusion. Still, it just end like that. Nothing can be produced as an actions. At the end, it just happen in my mind. Maybe that's why I always make things complicated and tend to over-think.
Also, I am always hated an introvert. Because, why can't you just speak up your mind (but I know the answer - it takes too much inner energy) and I hate to explain things. I love to give a simple words as a clue or cue. But, that 's also the reason I hate introvert. Because sometimes it contradict to the other tendency, like exploring things, ideas, places and people. Hahah.. about people, I love to observe them. Like how some situations been handled by them or how things make them reacted. Through this, I learned how to socialize with people. If I'm staying at other people's house, I feel comfortable if they treat me not as a guest, I just want to understand their life. Like, it is okay if you don't want to bring me to interesting places (like a visitor). I'm happy enough if you just live your daily life, as usual. Cause I can know you just like this. It is just like this, okay.
Okay, I lost my track again. What was I talking about at first? Hmm... I know it, it just like me. Absorbed into somethings else and forgetting derived purposed. Whatever. to be continue (though I don't know when)
