Another transition

Hi. It's already 2019. Today is the third Eid ul Fitri. I'm already a graduate trainee-teacher. Haha at least I'd already finished my study, yet to come is convocation day. Walking to my blog on the passed years have make me realized how much I have change. Age is another thing, but to my senses it's not that much. What do people called, yes a core. The core inside me is still the same. But how I looked at thing now is different. Though not totally different but it change my perspective towards life, toward how I should drive my life to.

I had go through many things, though at this age, it is a common things, yet I don't know whether this is good or bad. I've experienced how to sosialize with communinity in a proper and appointed ways which in my study, I've went to two phase of practicum which were three months each and one phase of internship for a month. All of these experience make me realize how bad I am at being in social event. And until now, I'm still in wonder at how in the world had I acquainted in one of the most 'extrovert' type of career. Not to exaggerate but for intelligence, I think I had that at least to be a teacher, but social skills, pedagogy, I'm a nerd who stuck at tips and what's in the book. In real life, I'm noob or so what they called, also naive and sensitive.

This kind of personality always make me stuck and one of my stress cause. Five years period of study in all girl high institute, I learned that workloads as assignments and tasks don't really troubled me but things like socializing or tasks that need me to collab with other people stressed me out. I just want to take it out on myself. Doing it all by myself. A part of me is that I don't want to include people in it, other part is I just don't trust people to do it. And reflecting back, at home I am really like that. I want my space and other space to be really clean and out of mess. And I want other people to keep it like that too, yet I believe that my way of keeping it clean is the most righteous way. For example, doing dishes and cleaning messes at the kitchen, I want they to do it my way, like scrubbing all the dishes from the leftovers then do the 'soaping' and soaking. And also clearing the greases from the stove and tables like do the wholly part of them including sweeping and wiping the floor, taking out the rubbish, all of them. And it is the same as clearing other spaces such as bedroom, living room. At home too, I do want them to clean it, yet I want it to be done in my way.

And all of this years, I'm always in the loop of distress. To the point of realizing my life worth nothing. Thus, time played it's role. Neutralizing everything. Until I can move on again and forgetting that point of dispute within myself before jumping into it again.

Alright, now back to real life, what am I doing right now is just waiting for interview session with the Suruhanjaya to be decided where and when I had to be 'posting' as a novice teacher. As to what had I been through to what I am today, let seal it closed. Bye.

Transition

A year has passed since I've go through some major changes in my life. A changes that affects my view towards this world or toward how I should drive my life.

But then, some of the changes scared me, myself. How in the world I can change to this extent. It is something that I wouldn't expect years ago.

I've come to accepting things that I despise or avoid all in my life.

Things that come with my personality also get too much deep until I don't found myself more. I lose myself. It got me tangle in so much conflict of myself. Yes, it had started the major changes that I felt now.

And after some time, I had come to my senses that how naive I was all this years. But then, again it is my personality I was born with. May come all the thunder and rain, I would get back to my cycle of how I handle things. The core inside me won't change. I would get back to where I started.

-September 2018-