i miss my 'kazoku'. i want to babble many things~ i want to act my ownself, i want to express myself better~ it just to exhausting to kept all inside. i want to laugh, do stupid things, act all mad suddenly mumbling something that i don't get it myself and so on. but here, i have to watch everything that i do. I've come to hate it. it had make me tired. I scared to act my ownself cause I don't want people to hate me. I want to express myself... really
Oh, I need my 'kazoku'.
Sighing~ everything seems so wrong. I'm always depressed here, not knowing what to do to make myself feel better. I can't act like I'm 'tensai' person. Seeing everyone doing the obligatory things just make myself feel very wrong. I feel like I did a very big crime...
I hate the way I think, it's negative ! My inner self is rotten, maybe. What should I do to make myself feel better, really.
Thinking about my own self, it always depressing. I want to tell it loud, my feeling. This unsecure, unsure, not very optimistic. What had make me like this?
Way to complicate! Though it just me who complicated the things.
Woah, I remember when I want to escape from study at home, to keep me feel unashamed I did the chores such as washing dishes, sweeping floor, tidying my room and other just to escape from studying back then.
But here, it just study or having an entertainment. Study, okay, I feel like I'm a 'tensai' person, but doing other than that here make me feel like I'm really bad person, like I'm doing some crime that I can't attone it in future.
It's very suffocating, keeping a thought like this. I want to 'yell' my heart out..... telling it to other person here, I wonder if they listen to me. Rather than having my heart broken, 'unlistened-to' I choose to have a heart broken when keeping this thought deeply.
White and black. Red and blue. Sky and land. It's good to be contrast for awhile. It's a relieved to be able to know what should and shouldn't and also to stand to it.
Fall in love. Recently, it had bothered my mind and a bit my 'heart'? By the way, it annoyed me. It annoyed me when the thoughts always there. What a weird process to a person!
Hateful. Unsatisfation. Hard. Clueless. A bit jealousy. Unsecure.
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