All the Frustration

It's frustating
Nevertheless what can I do
Weep over it?
Let it stomp over me?
Be on the ground forever?
At least I can't fall below than this
But I'll get stomp over

Time passed
Be with it forever
and let good times passed also
I'll be at loss
Nothing will change
Or it'll just get worst

No one to come pick me also
Because it's me who keep putting it down

Fury
It's something within myself

At the end I got to do something

How to get motivated?

So, I’ve just completed my degree, convocation, temporary job and now left with nothing to do. Yeah, once it was my dream like this. Not doing anything. Just some house chores and self-activity. But eventually by doing this right now, I’ve realize that it’d make me lazier than ever. I’m too lazy to go out, too lazy to even doing something on my Bucket List and so on. And somehow, by not doing anything, just hooked with my phone, I think it have affected my mental health. By saying that, I’ve meant to say that Social Media has affected my mental health. I’m too focused on things that shouldn’t be taken care by me. Though it’s good that knowing what current issues are and what are today’s concerns, I realized that it doesn’t change my life whatsoever. Worrying or keep thinking about it don’t make me better either. My works won’t be done, and I’ve kept procrastinating things. But, that’s my life are right now.  

This comfort zone of this lifestyle, mainly by not doing anything has make me unmotivated. Even I also keep delaying some obligatory things for my posting such as medical check-up, bank business and all. It’s important yet, I can’t do it. It’s not that I can’t, it just that I won’t.

By saying this, I know I’m the most individual that don’t have any right to complain, critic or justify some current issues and debate over that.

By being an introvert, it should be that being at home and doing some activity just by yourself is the most comfortable to do. But, I’m also a masochist. To grow is to go out from your comfort zone. I realize that since I’m this introverted, I had become very naïve in life. Less-mingle with people in my younger self make me sometimes struggle with understanding people. Sometimes too much empathy given to someone that I shouldn’t to, and sometimes can’t quite grasp a situation. And this also had made me this gullible. To some point it is too transparent to my own lecturer that he even said to me “You’re like a robot. Like been programmed, too obedient” and “be careful if you ever got  a boyfriend.” At first, yeah I’m having trouble to understand it fully until again, my own father said it to me, with different subtext yet in that context. Since then also, I’ve intense feeling of dislike toward that word (naïve). It feels like when someone said I’m too naïve or innocent, it is actually a polite way to say I’m stupid and gullible. Sadly to say I know it’s true. My friends, they always pranking me, throw a joke and other’s mischief stuff because I’m fun (read: gullible) though I know they don’t have any ill intention. Realizing this, sometimes it irritates me because I’m that stupid to understand or grasp real meaning of anything.

So, by this comprehension, I've felt that I need to grow more. Should feel all the pain of rejection and be exposed with all kind of situation. But then I'm become paranoid, with this kind of personality, can I handle it? Won't I be broken? Though deep inside I always believe that I'm very strong. 

Okay done with this introverted-gullible-things. As I said earlier, I'm don't have any enthusiasm to do anything that require me to go outside. It's troublesome since I need to leave my room, get ready and so on. Look, even to complete the sentence I had become this lazy. 

Everyday before sleep though, I have this goal in my mind, what I want to complete by tomorrow. But when morning rise, I kind of not-feeling-to-do-it and delayed to the next morning. For a week or more I've done this and now, a new month arrive. I'm sorry dear self, dear time for all of this procrastination.  

Recently, I saw this image on Twitter about what they say is victim mentality. Yup, I do acknowledge it. You know whats's your weakness, nevertheless no effort to overcome it, that's what real LOSER are. Because to me, the effort is the most important. To be sad or weeping over a misfortune or failure is after you keep striving over it. Then, it's okay to say that. But then, the real winner is the one who are not keeping with the excuses but always trying and not fall to that loop again. 

It seems that I need to force myself because anything will not happen if I don't make my move. Yup, rezeki takkan datang bergolek. I don't want to chase away my rezeki. 

Yosh, get ready !

Another transition

Hi. It's already 2019. Today is the third Eid ul Fitri. I'm already a graduate trainee-teacher. Haha at least I'd already finished my study, yet to come is convocation day. Walking to my blog on the passed years have make me realized how much I have change. Age is another thing, but to my senses it's not that much. What do people called, yes a core. The core inside me is still the same. But how I looked at thing now is different. Though not totally different but it change my perspective towards life, toward how I should drive my life to.

I had go through many things, though at this age, it is a common things, yet I don't know whether this is good or bad. I've experienced how to sosialize with communinity in a proper and appointed ways which in my study, I've went to two phase of practicum which were three months each and one phase of internship for a month. All of these experience make me realize how bad I am at being in social event. And until now, I'm still in wonder at how in the world had I acquainted in one of the most 'extrovert' type of career. Not to exaggerate but for intelligence, I think I had that at least to be a teacher, but social skills, pedagogy, I'm a nerd who stuck at tips and what's in the book. In real life, I'm noob or so what they called, also naive and sensitive.

This kind of personality always make me stuck and one of my stress cause. Five years period of study in all girl high institute, I learned that workloads as assignments and tasks don't really troubled me but things like socializing or tasks that need me to collab with other people stressed me out. I just want to take it out on myself. Doing it all by myself. A part of me is that I don't want to include people in it, other part is I just don't trust people to do it. And reflecting back, at home I am really like that. I want my space and other space to be really clean and out of mess. And I want other people to keep it like that too, yet I believe that my way of keeping it clean is the most righteous way. For example, doing dishes and cleaning messes at the kitchen, I want they to do it my way, like scrubbing all the dishes from the leftovers then do the 'soaping' and soaking. And also clearing the greases from the stove and tables like do the wholly part of them including sweeping and wiping the floor, taking out the rubbish, all of them. And it is the same as clearing other spaces such as bedroom, living room. At home too, I do want them to clean it, yet I want it to be done in my way.

And all of this years, I'm always in the loop of distress. To the point of realizing my life worth nothing. Thus, time played it's role. Neutralizing everything. Until I can move on again and forgetting that point of dispute within myself before jumping into it again.

Alright, now back to real life, what am I doing right now is just waiting for interview session with the Suruhanjaya to be decided where and when I had to be 'posting' as a novice teacher. As to what had I been through to what I am today, let seal it closed. Bye.

Transition

A year has passed since I've go through some major changes in my life. A changes that affects my view towards this world or toward how I should drive my life.

But then, some of the changes scared me, myself. How in the world I can change to this extent. It is something that I wouldn't expect years ago.

I've come to accepting things that I despise or avoid all in my life.

Things that come with my personality also get too much deep until I don't found myself more. I lose myself. It got me tangle in so much conflict of myself. Yes, it had started the major changes that I felt now.

And after some time, I had come to my senses that how naive I was all this years. But then, again it is my personality I was born with. May come all the thunder and rain, I would get back to my cycle of how I handle things. The core inside me won't change. I would get back to where I started.

-September 2018-