As Time Flies - Penji and Dawang

 Hello, Assalamualaikum and Hi~

This is no melancholic-dark-stressful-about-life-post I'm going to write. So, one of my hobby on my leisure time is watching Youtube and my watch-list or video type I like to watch is something like documentary-like or experiment or some sharing-like video. One of them that I recently watch is Dianxi Xiaoge's channel.

 

I've been watching her channel since 2017 or 2018. So it's around 4 years and there're so many things I learned about those China provision which is Yunnan. I really like the vibe Dianxi's channel are presenting. They are so calm, rejuvenating, and full of life with those village environment. I guess that's what money can't buy. Haha actually money can buy it but what I want to say is what city life not going to have. Serenity and calmness of living for life. 

Dianxi  Xiago or Penji (what people in the video called her) are so average but beautiful Chinese girl who master all of the life skills, whether cooking, farming, building, anything for what is required to live a fun life (for me). And what is special about her if I have to compare to other channel since there are also other channel with same vibe, is the connection with people. As I can remember, when I first watched her video, of course in Youtube, you'll get other recommendation which is similar to the video. And from what I observed, she show her interactions with her pet, siblings, parents other extend family, neighbors, and the villagers. That is a very much hardwork to show but that how she portrayed it. Just like how this website (CodaStory) decsribe

The scene opens in a village courtyard in China’s southwestern Yunnan province, a family sitting around a flickering fire. The camera pans as they chat in the glow. “Will Chun be back for the spring festival?” someone asks. A young woman named Dianxi calls her brother. The action cuts to a man in his early twenties, his face lit by a computer screen. “I don’t know yet,” he says. We then see him walking through the streets of a bustling city, alone. 

That melancholy image contrasts sharply with the morning peace of the countryside, where lowing cows are led through leafy lanes, and the family prepare for the celebrations. Dianxi begins to cook. Bull-shaped buns for the year of the ox, steamed in a bamboo basket. Beef ribs, braised with spices in a clay pot. A fat fried carp, smothered in spicy sauce. Her dog, an Alaskan Malamute named Dawang, chews on festive lanterns.

Dianxi Xiaoge’s real name is Dong Meihua. She has seven million subscribers on YouTube and another five million on the Chinese microblogging site Weibo. Her videos offer beautifully shot vignettes of rural life that are a world away from the highly industrialized, urban China many of us are now used to seeing. Filmed on a bucolic family farm, fans can watch her perform a variety of wholesome and traditional tasks: preserving meat, picking fruit, harvesting vegetables and making noodles.

If I recall correctly, she used to tell on one of her video that she start to produce content when she had to move back to her village from the city(I don't remember for what reasons) whether she quit her job or anything and she invested on some shooting equipment. With her brother in law (if I'm not mistaken), she start to shoot video and produce content to introduce on Yunnan cultural focusing on Yunnan cuisine and how they are made from scratch. I totally admiring her great works.

And it is really nice to enjoy the ambience of nature she presented in the video as it intrigued me to living just like. And there is Dawang, her Alaskan Malamute breed dog. I still remember when I first saw him. His size looks like normal husky. But when seeing it now, I can tell how much the difference of size Dawang is. So is his brother when he was a boy but seeing it now as he grow to teenage boy, like so many things have been changing.

And recently she filmed on her house that have been renovated or in the title is "Refurbished Old House". And here I'm thinking since I found her channel, it was already a channel with already at least a million of followers. She may have a lot of monetization from Youtube yet after a few years, just she have this huge development on her asset, I mean the house.

Here I learnt how the perseverance and strategies are really important to achieve something. I don't know what she had to bear behind the scenes or who are actually behind the scenes to make all the work happened. But that is something we can imagine. Like the Malay proverb, "Kejayaan takkan datang bergolek". Work hard and have strategies, it will pay you off someday.

That is the lesson I shall keep in my spirit. 

Anyway, Dawang is so cute I always have to repeat or rewind the clip video when he showed up. Literally reminding me to my Bocchan. Okay that's all. Bye ~

Fear of Rejection?

 Assalamualaikum and hi.

As for topic, fear of rejection. As I already know that I self-claim that I'm introvert with some symptoms of autism, yet to be diagnosed, I always feeling anxious being in social situations. First when it comes into mind, I think over it, unconsciously then tend to imagine it and then the scenes are created. Of course in my imagination, I tend to pictured it very well that I had sort all the ways to turn it into positive results. Also with some backup emotion or response if the results turn otherwise. But, realistically speaking or the pessimistic me will then slap me all hard back to the reality that matter most. Then I will act all the way that I feel will going to turn well but then if it appear that the the reactions will not going to happen, I will freaked with anxious feeling that make me react very funny. The overwhelming thinking make me speak  gibberish. Sometimes because the thoughts is there and it come out uncontrollably and when it come into my sense I will abrupt between the words and add other syllables so that it will not appear obvious to other people if I got caught uttering it so they don't understand what I'm saying thus figuring what I'm thinking. It is very hard because it's like stopping your brain from thinking out loud, like literally out into speech. And it is bad enough to always have the thought of being open about myself so people around me can understand me better regarding all of indifference and abnormality.

 I want to be accepted but thinking about all the probability and process towards it make me scared. 

 To added, many times I've facing meltdown. Fortunately, being a special education teacher had let me know various of terms and information about children's special condition such as autistic, ADHD, Down syndrome and other condition.

When I am full with certain emotions and sometimes it all add up which I can't validate each of them, I lose control. I sobbed all the way like a child, tears falling down non stop, trouble of controlling my breathing, and so many things I can't even described.

It looks like normal situation outside but inside I'm feeling like dying. Like this world would not matter anymore. Sometimes to the thought of taking my own life. Cause it'll trigger so many memories and thinking, all the negative thoughts appeared. Making me hate my own existence and wanting to erase all, including my family and parents. 

 Thus, I hate to socialize with others. I hate it when it is go haywire in my head. I kept thinking about everything. Presumption of others, the reaction, what should i respond? Do I look natural? How is my face mimic? All and all about social appearances. For their respond and impression. \

That's all.  

  

Come 2021. I've skipped a year !

 Hi whoever reading this though I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who keen to this blog post. So, I've skipped a year without any posting here.

So many things had happen in 2020. All bittersweet moment that I think there's too many bitter pills to swallow than sweet pills. I've encountered illness and death of family member, another heartbroken and joys from friendship and relationship. It all happen in 2020. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for all those things. It teach me some lesson, in hard and alluring ways. 

November 2019, I've got job, meeting new people, involved in new circle. Surviving the new era in life. Lived together with my head of department. 2020, moved. Being the only teacher, handle all new things by myself, no nearest mentor to refer. February 2020, my dearest uncle passed away without any prior signs. Shocked, got anxiety attack upon absorbing the situation. Felt all alone. March 2020, pandemic stroke onto all nations. I'm with the youngers. Act as the head of family since our family part as two. New normal and everything changed. Dad fell ill. Admitted even to ICU, diagnosed with renal failure. Got back to work. Some things happened. I've fell into mess. A lot of bittersweet memories created.

Suddenly I'm 24. The next day I'm already 25. Suddenly it's like my car plate number. 2875. It accelerate so fast. But then, to this paranoia personality I got  a feeling that it'll going to down like the numbers. 

Okay, till next time. Need to do the laundry,