Fear of Rejection?

 Assalamualaikum and hi.

As for topic, fear of rejection. As I already know that I self-claim that I'm introvert with some symptoms of autism, yet to be diagnosed, I always feeling anxious being in social situations. First when it comes into mind, I think over it, unconsciously then tend to imagine it and then the scenes are created. Of course in my imagination, I tend to pictured it very well that I had sort all the ways to turn it into positive results. Also with some backup emotion or response if the results turn otherwise. But, realistically speaking or the pessimistic me will then slap me all hard back to the reality that matter most. Then I will act all the way that I feel will going to turn well but then if it appear that the the reactions will not going to happen, I will freaked with anxious feeling that make me react very funny. The overwhelming thinking make me speak  gibberish. Sometimes because the thoughts is there and it come out uncontrollably and when it come into my sense I will abrupt between the words and add other syllables so that it will not appear obvious to other people if I got caught uttering it so they don't understand what I'm saying thus figuring what I'm thinking. It is very hard because it's like stopping your brain from thinking out loud, like literally out into speech. And it is bad enough to always have the thought of being open about myself so people around me can understand me better regarding all of indifference and abnormality.

 I want to be accepted but thinking about all the probability and process towards it make me scared. 

 To added, many times I've facing meltdown. Fortunately, being a special education teacher had let me know various of terms and information about children's special condition such as autistic, ADHD, Down syndrome and other condition.

When I am full with certain emotions and sometimes it all add up which I can't validate each of them, I lose control. I sobbed all the way like a child, tears falling down non stop, trouble of controlling my breathing, and so many things I can't even described.

It looks like normal situation outside but inside I'm feeling like dying. Like this world would not matter anymore. Sometimes to the thought of taking my own life. Cause it'll trigger so many memories and thinking, all the negative thoughts appeared. Making me hate my own existence and wanting to erase all, including my family and parents. 

 Thus, I hate to socialize with others. I hate it when it is go haywire in my head. I kept thinking about everything. Presumption of others, the reaction, what should i respond? Do I look natural? How is my face mimic? All and all about social appearances. For their respond and impression. \

That's all.